Today I have a topic that I've just had this strange urge to write and share about. I guess it's been on my mind quite a lot and I need some feedback...or rather some reassuring that I am not alone.
Normally I'm all about keeping things light and funny but this is a subject that weighs heavily on me. You all know that my husband and I are expecting our first child. And we are so happy for what's to come. But I've been struggling with some conflicting emotions.
It all came to surface with a trip for some new clothes for a new body.
I have never been so hard on myself in my life. I've been pretty comfortable with my figure most of my 32 years. I get that we all have those bad days where we can't find anything we like on ourselves. However, this was the "what have I done-I shouldn't have eaten so many poptarts-is this a baby or a new roll-will I ever feel confident again" moment. And then I came out of the dressing room and the sales woman who was helping me asked me...
"Are you enjoying this pregnancy?"
I had a moment of shame. I thought about lying. But then I have always been honest and stuck to my guns.
And I replied "No".
There. I said it. And it still makes me feel terrible.
Let me be clear. I am BEYOND excited to be a mother. And I'm eternally GRATEFUL that we are blessed to become parents. I am not taking that for granted. I realize everyday that it is completely, one hundred percent, a miracle.
But at only 16 weeks (now 17 going on 18 because I've not been able to get my butt to sit down and get on here!) I'm so tired of feeling like crap. Every morning is hit or miss. Some days I feel okay. Some days it's awful, better run for the bathroom, kind of days. But so far, I've never woken up feeling great. I'm tired of eating bad things. I know this sounds like it should be a great excuse but in all honesty, I miss just eating normal, healthy food. Instead I eat what sounds good because it's the only thing I can imagine eating. If I must have a poptart, I have a poptart. (Thank goodness I'm over that kick now!!). But now I'm all about bagels. And cream cheese. And not always just one during the day! I do crave fruit...so hey! That's good! I crave strawberry shakes. Hamburgers. Strawberry shakes. Macaroni n' cheese. More strawberry shakes. I've lost total control of my body. I have to go with the flow and eat what I can. And I think that's the bottom line. I am NOT in control.
I thought I was prepared for gaining weight. I have said from the get go "I can handle a baby belly". What I can't handle is thinking that everything feels bigger. I keep asking my poor husband if my face is getting rounder. I'm concerned with getting "wings". And I do believe I may be getting a little extra weight around my middle that is NOT baby. And yes, I KNOW I can work out...but please, please, please give me an ounce of extra energy to actually get to working out in a day. Every day I tell myself "tomorrow". I have worked out one time in the last 3 weeks. Ok....to be fair to myself...I have been getting over the worst cold in the history of ever. However......."tomorrow" hasn't happened. Keep in mind, I have been the same size since high school. And hearing people tell me how I'll never get my body back after having kids is so darn depressing. I do NOT want to start wearing mom jeans and baggy t-shirts. I refuse. So maybe I'm in denial but dang it...if one more person tells me just to accept it, I'm going to spit.
I do understand my body is going to change. And I know that it's doing an amazing thing growing this little person. And again...I understand what a blessing it is. I do.
But I think I need to believe that I can "have my cake and eat it too". I wanted to be the mom that barely gained anything. 13 pounds later I don't see this one coming true as I'm only about 1/2 way through. But I want to be the mom that can feel great about myself. I want to go back to eating healthy and feeling smart and ambitious and not wanting to crawl back under my blankets every morning after I've stumbled out of bed. I really wanted to be the glowing pregnant woman. I do not feel like I'm glowing. Does that make me selfish? I sure hope not. Because I will love this child with everything I have. I just miss feeling like myself. I'm pretty certain that does not make me a bad person.
So maybe I need a little empathy. Maybe some stories on how other women have coped. What did you do to make yourself feel confident? Did you experience what I'm going through?
I'm hoping that as my body starts to look like it's actually carrying a baby and not just too many bad food choices, I will start to enjoy this pregnancy a little bit more. I have made the ultimate decision to not try shopping again until I actually look like I am having a little bambino. Seriously, the last trip was dangerous. I'm happy to say that no one lost any limbs but it was looking pretty grim there for a while.
I'm anxiously awaiting baby movements. Sometimes I think I feel something similar to a bubble. But nothing that has been a certain "oh my gosh that's my baby!" moment. Maybe when I actually feel that there's something in there I will start to believe this is happening and that it's all worth it. I am so excited to find out if we are having a little boy or girl! Hard to believe that's only 3 weeks away!
I couldn't be more overjoyed to be entering the world of parenthood. I'm just a little more thrilled that I only have a little over 4 months to get through. I'm ready to meet this little person that is going to change our lives for the better. Life will change as I know it...and that I'm "A" okay with!
